The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
