Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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