"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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