What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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