oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
two words: eviction party
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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