I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
