If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
