guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
