Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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