Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
