Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
