Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
