When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
