I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
