Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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