Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
