i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
