I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
