You smell like a Billy Joel song
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
