Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
