Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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