Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
