Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize