I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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