So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
