this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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