I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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