They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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