my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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