Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dicks are not precious.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
