i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize