4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
