her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
