I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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