I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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