brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
