yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
