I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
