He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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