U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
