What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
