Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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