There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
