i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
