so explain again why im purple
no
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
