Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
