My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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