Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
