Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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