who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
