I can text with my tongue
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
