my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what day is it and did you see me today?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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