I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
