The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
