My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
