Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
