I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There's always time for handjobs
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
