Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
