im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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