what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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