Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
