how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
