I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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