His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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